nya writes

mumma  I wish you said I was pretty  I long to hear those words from your mouth  I want to feel beautiful  But I want you to say that out  loud  You know it hurts,  when the whole world compliments you  but you can never really take their words  because of your own sweet ghosts  that have been built in me by you  I wish you said I was pretty  I long to hear those words from your mouth  I wish you made us confident  instead of insecure and self conscious  so much so that I now don't feel confident with myself  and with looks and with my thoughts complimenting might be a small thing for you but it could change a lot  it could heal my inner doubts  I wish you called me pretty  I long to hear those words from your mouth  so that when i look in the mirror  i smile and feel proud  so that when I talk about myself,  I can openly say im pretty without feeling like a catfish  or without any worry....                                                                                           

dear romeo,  im sorry i say no, im sorry i always throw away your efforts, im sorry i never respond to your letters, im sorry i can't give you what you need, sometimes love is not in our deed, sometimes we are better as friends, or maybe just someone's acquaintance dear romeo, ik im selfish, ik i always think of myself, ik i never pay you attention,  it always hurts my heart but, idk if i can do this,  dear romeo, i care for my passion, i care for my family, i care for my career, i don't know who is a scorpion with a hidden stinger,  and to find out, im not eager dear romeo, all i want is some freedom, all i want is to be more than just a pretty brunette, all i want is pay off my dad's debt,  all i want is no regret, so lets just pretend to relent and attend this convent where we first met.  dear romeo maybe we'll cross paths one day, on fine evening in may, maybe we could go out to for a dinner or a movie of that actor dunaway faye,  we could even exchange numbers

Closing her eyelids  she for once felt at peace  The darkness for once didn't scare her  Rather it brought her to an abyss  No one but her thoughts to hear  The loudness she didn't miss.  Rainbows and unicorns,  They are nothing but hallucinations. For her, happiness was strange, but closing her eyelids  She for once felt at peace.  She let it consume her She let it fume her and that was the barter. She gets one moment of silence,  one moment of peace,  one moment of herself,  one moment of truce,  one moment of not being nagged at, one moment of pruce.  it did death confuse  Why would she do it?  Why would she loose it?  They didn't hurt her? She was never abused?  Then what made her bruise? In the land of clouds  I asked her What was the need?  Why this pleed?  What made you take this step?  Why couldn't you ask for help?  And she told me,  She told me her story,  how she did try,  while during this, she made satan cry  she poured the pain she couldn't bear "

Im not mine, Im somebody else's, somebody else is making my choices; How I dress, How I eat, How I walk, How I breathe, How I talk, How I stand, What I do, Where I stand,  Its not me whose making those choices, its someone else, Though sometimes I get liberty, But I end up doing stupidity, Why is it like this? Why am I who I am? Why is being you such a jam? I don't love it, being a muppet, I wish I could stop being their puppet.                                                                                                                                                                  ~nya 

I think I've failed,  as a daughter, as a human, as a sister, as a friend, lately i've been so dry,  i want to but i can't even cry, and its like my tears have sailed, away; away from me, away from my misery, away from this treachery, away from my life, away from this darkness, away from my  like; its a beautiful world, beautiful day, beautiful night, beautiful light, it is everything,  but not a beautiful life, i always feel like i'm walking on a knife, a knife reducing my time, all i wish to know is what is my crime? I flinch on nothings, I loose my appetite, I feel like drowning, My face is always frowning! Stop your stupid game, game; game of life, game of health, game of mind, game of wealth, game of socials, game of sky, you only think i'm fine, dear world, thanks for being a disappointment, thanks for cutting my wings, thanks for being my cue to leave, thanks for making me cry, thanks for making me lie, thanks for loving me, and  thanks for burning me.       

Should I shut up? No really Do I need to stop? Just tell me Do I need to put everything behind  just to make it up to your wish or can i really talk without them calling me a bitch Every time do I need to look behind, I am walking on a road or can i really just move along without the fear of getting groped. Do I need to stop? No really maybe I should shut up according to the patriarchy  Don't lemme think, don't lemme talk,  don't lemme eat, don't lemme walk maybe I don't deserve all this  maybe I should stop maybe I could shut up or maybe I could not.                                                                                                                                                                 ~nya